Sta.sh
come into my closet boy
lean against my wall
sit a little closer
let your aroma overtake me...
Are you here to comfort me?
because i looked depressed?
were you bored? or were you lonely? or could it be...
you're curious?
i see you trying not to eye my legs
one feature of which i'm not ashamed
and trying to eye my journal
which i've strategically placed
i must admit i've wondered
how your skin taste on my tongue?
and though i enjoy fucking my loneliness
i'm willing to treat you to some fun!
i motion up astride you
and i grind into your lap
i find this to be the nicest way to tell you to shut up...
my shirt comes up
and falls to the floor
i feel your body jerk...
"I'd just finished cutting myself when you knocked on the door..."
you're not one who's turned on by this
so i hasten my advance
ingesting your adam's apple
as i guide you between my legs.
but i wish you knew my body more
and that you would take control...
that you'd lift me upo against the wall
and choke me with your tongue!
i'd wrap my legs around you
as you dug your nails into my thighs
but fantasizing, i don't realize...
that you're already through!
you fill me up with cum as well as the sudden sense to hurl...
and cough so unattractively as you exit my door!
now lying on my closet floor
still hard and unsatisfied
like every other experience
that's come before this night...
i pull back on my boxer shorts
and quietly shut the door.
then sink into my corner
and count the tiles along the floor...
as tears run down, i eye the ground
and spot my razor blade
and laugh rather sardonically at the realization i've made...
when it comes to fucking boys or girls...
i'd much prefer the touch of the blade
and will take the pain most anyday
over the option of being layed!
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if you don't think its rape...okay, for sake of your petty argument then, we'll call it sexual assault! there! my "best friend" sexually assaulted me! sound better!...no? how about did something REALLY fucked up! yes! my "best friend" really fucked up...he made a simple mistake the EVERYONE makes, and took advantage of me WHILE I WAS SLEEPING! he only stood and watched me for about an hour, then without provocation decided to strip down, start licking my back (cuz oh, THOSE WERE NOT KISSES!) and force my dick in his mouth, while i hit him...ofcourse, i only hit him you know, and i should've told him to stop, because then he would have...and he did! when i spoke...but you know...i'd like to think...that my "best friend" would have known it wasn't okay without me saying. wouldn't have let things get so far, let himself get lost in his own selfish feelings of wanting to experience the touch of a man for the first time...especially with the forthought, that even if for some reason (and he knows i don't, never did, and now never will...) i wanted it, that it would have been wrong simply because at the time i was in such a weak emotional state after having just lost the one person i'd ever really given myself too, ever really dared to speak of matrimony, ever even dared to whisper those three chain linked wods through tear streaked eyes, and wasn't in like of ANY human being really even touching my body at all unless out of pain and punishment to myself...
"my best friend", also, wouldn't have tried to do what was done, oh; Sheerly as a mistake, to "help" me, because fucking someone never ever really helps anyone with anything...not with the heart. sex doesn't heal those scars...and that was the desired end, wasn't it...SEX! because i'm too believe that my "best friend" was meerly going to sit there, watch me as i'm sleeping....sleep which was acquired through blood and tears, and the sanctity of security i felt at his home, and violate all means, abandon all logic, lose hiself to his feelings, and dare to touch what didn't want to be touch simply to taste a little, and walk away...? is that the truth i cannot see amanda? is that why i am a bastard! a liar! an attention whore...an attention whore who locks out the world by locking himself in his closet, scratching at the cuts on his shoulder, listening to music, and silently praying to who'll ever listen to just give him the power or the strength to simply just fade away...or maybe it's my own fault...
i led him on, right? sleeping without pants...why? i couldn't have been hot that night, no! laying under the comforter...no! because i'm not some fucked up psycho who's still somewhat afraid of the FUCKING dark, and whatever may be in it! oh...because i sat in the room with him while he watched skinemax in the wee hours of the morning? my head leaning against the wall, eyes barely open, head pounding from a migraine, trying to decipher the sounds of my own thoughts...naw...that's not it!
either way i'm wrong right..? because i should've given him what he wanted, right manda? because he's my friend? because i'm a whore, and i give myself to anyone anyway, so why not a friend! right? someone who wouldn't hurt me! leave me! make me feel dirty...well...guess what? i may be fucking wrong, ass backwards, unpleasant, morose, depressed, a loser, and just an all around jackass...but when my "best friend"...touched me...because HE thought it was okay! because he thought the hitting was playing...because he was confused, curious, wanted to know understand, feel, experience...that split second when he decided to "kiss", and blow, regardless of how i felt (which couldn't have been anything be it i was asleep...), he made me feel just as much as a whore as any artist, any old man, any high school boy, highschool girl, or any person anywhere, at any thime that i've ever fucked, or let fuck me...because it doesn't matter what they do, obviously! because unless i'm beaten, cursed out or penetrated, its not rape...well then FUCK! you're right then! you're fucking right!
and i apologize to all my friends for the lies i've told. and webs i've spun! and the confusion i've caused about the situation between me and my "best friend!" and i have learned from all of this...that when you meet people over the net...or at a cafe...or on a street corner...and you think you can confide in them because the pain you're holding inside is too great, and magnified by the fact that you lover, your friends, your family doesn't think that you should be hurting at all...that its not a big deal...keep your fucking mouth shut! it only leads to more pain...and there's nothing you can do. because when greedy selfish people want to be heard, there voice seems to echoe much much louder than a tiny moan of discomfort heard rousing out of sleep as your "best friend" is coating your back with his tongue...
--
"Happiness lies in good health and a bad memory..."
-from a fortune cookie i ate.
first of all, dude, saying it three times, as dark of a comment as it is, that really made me crack up, just because I saw you posted it a bunch of times.
But yeah, just so we're clear to whoever reads this, that is what we've all heard, D never was lying to us about that.
Are you honestly happy though Amanda? You did all this shit, just to make someone forced to confess all his thoughts and feelings about an obviously sensitive subject, just to clarify a fucking definition?! Fucked up.
And yeah, I don't care what the fuck you label that, it was really messed up, and if you think that it excuses him from his actions, and makes someone who would do that bullshit to a person their best freind, then you are fucking retarded. That is not me starting a fight, but that is fucking retarded.
and if you really want to define his real freinds, I'd say its probably,terrence,rodney, and myself. Phillip probably, but what he did was wrong, I don't care what the hell you say.
Yeah, we've all had our difficulties in our freindships with D, but NONE OF US FUCKING MOLESTED HIM!!!!!!!
I'm not gonna put Phillip on trial anymore then that, because he's not here to defend himself like you said, but he has no excuse for what he did.
Me and D have been freinds for our entire lives preety much, and anyone who does that shit to D does have a problem with me.
And I have shit to do, we all have shit to do. So amanda, if you are happy..MOVE ON WITH YOUR FUCKING LIFE YOU RETARDED BITCH!!!
(yes, that was me "attacking" you)
COME START A FUCKING WAR! you can't do shit, we both know that. You will soon be banned from Deviant, and if not the whole site, our pages at least.
And Amanda, I do feel bad for you. Please, never speak to D again. For everyones sake, go off and do something else and before you make yourself look even more like a fucking retard.
I do hope you know the shit you've done to D over this, and anyone who does that, has a problem with me and every one of his "true freinds" as you'd put it.
And you know what, I'm actually just gonna post this one, because D doesn't need this shit all over his fucking front page.
*cough cough*
not to D
I hope you're allright man. I do have your back man, anyone fucks with you, me and terrence and everyone is there for you, don't forget that shit.
You know where to reach me.
I gotta go, or I'd continue this rant longer.
for my final thought:
Amanda- get a fucking life
D- god speed
terrence- thanks for helping me support my freind.
and one more thing, if you continue this fucking rant and bother my freind any fucking longer, I will find a way to make shit happen.
I will find a mother fucking way, because you forget, we know shit about you.
Thats all for now true beleivers and spidey fans.
if you don't think its rape...okay, for sake of your petty argument then, we'll call it sexual assault! there! my "best friend" sexually assaulted me! sound better!...no? how about did something REALLY fucked up! yes! my "best friend" really fucked up...he made a simple mistake the EVERYONE makes, and took advantage of me WHILE I WAS SLEEPING! he only stood and watched me for about an hour, then without provocation decided to strip down, start licking my back (cuz oh, THOSE WERE NOT KISSES!) and force my dick in his mouth, while i hit him...ofcourse, i only hit him you know, and i should've told him to stop, because then he would have...and he did! when i spoke...but you know...i'd like to think...that my "best friend" would have known it wasn't okay without me saying. wouldn't have let things get so far, let himself get lost in his own selfish feelings of wanting to experience the touch of a man for the first time...especially with the forthought, that even if for some reason (and he knows i don't, never did, and now never will...) i wanted it, that it would have been wrong simply because at the time i was in such a weak emotional state after having just lost the one person i'd ever really given myself too, ever really dared to speak of matrimony, ever even dared to whisper those three chain linked wods through tear streaked eyes, and wasn't in like of ANY human being really even touching my body at all unless out of pain and punishment to myself...
"my best friend", also, wouldn't have tried to do what was done, oh; Sheerly as a mistake, to "help" me, because fucking someone never ever really helps anyone with anything...not with the heart. sex doesn't heal those scars...and that was the desired end, wasn't it...SEX! because i'm too believe that my "best friend" was meerly going to sit there, watch me as i'm sleeping....sleep which was acquired through blood and tears, and the sanctity of security i felt at his home, and violate all means, abandon all logic, lose hiself to his feelings, and dare to touch what didn't want to be touch simply to taste a little, and walk away...? is that the truth i cannot see amanda? is that why i am a bastard! a liar! an attention whore...an attention whore who locks out the world by locking himself in his closet, scratching at the cuts on his shoulder, listening to music, and silently praying to who'll ever listen to just give him the power or the strength to simply just fade away...or maybe it's my own fault...
i led him on, right? sleeping without pants...why? i couldn't have been hot that night, no! laying under the comforter...no! because i'm not some fucked up psycho who's still somewhat afraid of the FUCKING dark, and whatever may be in it! oh...because i sat in the room with him while he watched skinemax in the wee hours of the morning? my head leaning against the wall, eyes barely open, head pounding from a migraine, trying to decipher the sounds of my own thoughts...naw...that's not it!
either way i'm wrong right..? because i should've given him what he wanted, right manda? because he's my friend? because i'm a whore, and i give myself to anyone anyway, so why not a friend! right? someone who wouldn't hurt me! leave me! make me feel dirty...well...guess what? i may be fucking wrong, ass backwards, unpleasant, morose, depressed, a loser, and just an all around jackass...but when my "best friend"...touched me...because HE thought it was okay! because he thought the hitting was playing...because he was confused, curious, wanted to know understand, feel, experience...that split second when he decided to "kiss", and blow, regardless of how i felt (which couldn't have been anything be it i was asleep...), he made me feel just as much as a whore as any artist, any old man, any high school boy, highschool girl, or any person anywhere, at any thime that i've ever fucked, or let fuck me...because it doesn't matter what they do, obviously! because unless i'm beaten, cursed out or penetrated, its not rape...well then FUCK! you're right then! you're fucking right!
and i apologize to all my friends for the lies i've told. and webs i've spun! and the confusion i've caused about the situation between me and my "best friend!" and i have learned from all of this...that when you meet people over the net...or at a cafe...or on a street corner...and you think you can confide in them because the pain you're holding inside is too great, and magnified by the fact that you lover, your friends, your family doesn't think that you should be hurting at all...that its not a big deal...keep your fucking mouth shut! it only leads to more pain...and there's nothing you can do. because when greedy selfish people want to be heard, there voice seems to echoe much much louder than a tiny moan of discomfort heard rousing out of sleep as your "best friend" is coating your back with his tongue...
--
"Happiness lies in good health and a bad memory..."
-from a fortune cookie i ate.
if you don't think its rape...okay, for sake of your petty argument then, we'll call it sexual assault! there! my "best friend" sexually assaulted me! sound better!...no? how about did something REALLY fucked up! yes! my "best friend" really fucked up...he made a simple mistake the EVERYONE makes, and took advantage of me WHILE I WAS SLEEPING! he only stood and watched me for about an hour, then without provocation decided to strip down, start licking my back (cuz oh, THOSE WERE NOT KISSES!) and force my dick in his mouth, while i hit him...ofcourse, i only hit him you know, and i should've told him to stop, because then he would have...and he did! when i spoke...but you know...i'd like to think...that my "best friend" would have known it wasn't okay without me saying. wouldn't have let things get so far, let himself get lost in his own selfish feelings of wanting to experience the touch of a man for the first time...especially with the forthought, that even if for some reason (and he knows i don't, never did, and now never will...) i wanted it, that it would have been wrong simply because at the time i was in such a weak emotional state after having just lost the one person i'd ever really given myself too, ever really dared to speak of matrimony, ever even dared to whisper those three chain linked wods through tear streaked eyes, and wasn't in like of ANY human being really even touching my body at all unless out of pain and punishment to myself...
"my best friend", also, wouldn't have tried to do what was done, oh; Sheerly as a mistake, to "help" me, because fucking someone never ever really helps anyone with anything...not with the heart. sex doesn't heal those scars...and that was the desired end, wasn't it...SEX! because i'm too believe that my "best friend" was meerly going to sit there, watch me as i'm sleeping....sleep which was acquired through blood and tears, and the sanctity of security i felt at his home, and violate all means, abandon all logic, lose hiself to his feelings, and dare to touch what didn't want to be touch simply to taste a little, and walk away...? is that the truth i cannot see amanda? is that why i am a bastard! a liar! an attention whore...an attention whore who locks out the world by locking himself in his closet, scratching at the cuts on his shoulder, listening to music, and silently praying to who'll ever listen to just give him the power or the strength to simply just fade away...or maybe it's my own fault...
i led him on, right? sleeping without pants...why? i couldn't have been hot that night, no! laying under the comforter...no! because i'm not some fucked up psycho who's still somewhat afraid of the FUCKING dark, and whatever may be in it! oh...because i sat in the room with him while he watched skinemax in the wee hours of the morning? my head leaning against the wall, eyes barely open, head pounding from a migraine, trying to decipher the sounds of my own thoughts...naw...that's not it!
either way i'm wrong right..? because i should've given him what he wanted, right manda? because he's my friend? because i'm a whore, and i give myself to anyone anyway, so why not a friend! right? someone who wouldn't hurt me! leave me! make me feel dirty...well...guess what? i may be fucking wrong, ass backwards, unpleasant, morose, depressed, a loser, and just an all around jackass...but when my "best friend"...touched me...because HE thought it was okay! because he thought the hitting was playing...because he was confused, curious, wanted to know understand, feel, experience...that split second when he decided to "kiss", and blow, regardless of how i felt (which couldn't have been anything be it i was asleep...), he made me feel just as much as a whore as any artist, any old man, any high school boy, highschool girl, or any person anywhere, at any thime that i've ever fucked, or let fuck me...because it doesn't matter what they do, obviously! because unless i'm beaten, cursed out or penetrated, its not rape...well then FUCK! you're right then! you're fucking right!
and i apologize to all my friends for the lies i've told. and webs i've spun! and the confusion i've caused about the situation between me and my "best friend!" and i have learned from all of this...that when you meet people over the net...or at a cafe...or on a street corner...and you think you can confide in them because the pain you're holding inside is too great, and magnified by the fact that you lover, your friends, your family doesn't think that you should be hurting at all...that its not a big deal...keep your fucking mouth shut! it only leads to more pain...and there's nothing you can do. because when greedy selfish people want to be heard, there voice seems to echoe much much louder than a tiny moan of discomfort heard rousing out of sleep as your "best friend" is coating your back with his tongue...
--
"Happiness lies in good health and a bad memory..."
-from a fortune cookie i ate.